Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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