I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
