I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
