Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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