if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
