I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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