I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
