she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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