in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
