I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
