i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
