I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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