I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
