we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
