Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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