I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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