i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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