She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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