I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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