i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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