the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
