he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
