im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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