1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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