I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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