Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
