I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
