Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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