you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
