the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
