I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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