South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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