I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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