So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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