the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
