i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
