youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
