Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
