remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
