How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
