I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
