I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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