one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
