her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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