All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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