mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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