Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
