who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
