Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
