You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the day after is always just damage control
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
