My brain says no but my pants say off.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
